I wonder if I'm lightened up enough to say sorry.
I probably am.
But I still don't feel like it.
I finally understand what Nicole means.
That I'm always apologising.
Why?
Do I always have to automatically feel sorry
just for the world turning?
Or just because someone else happened to
feel a certain way?
I am seriously contemplating whether or not I
should apologise so much.
Not today I won't.
I feel like I'm always apologising.
For matters that aren't even my fucking fault.
Even if you wanna blame me now for yelling at you
remember you started it first.
Maybe you meant it, maybe you didn't.
I don't know.
I don't know why I blew up.
But I do know that there is so much shit that
one person can take.
Even from different people.
I know how you feel.
You are probably thinking that I abandoned you.
Or something like that.
Or maybe I got it all wrong.
But just in case I got it all right, here's what I have to say.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
But somehow I always feel like you're so distant.
Like you couldn't be bothered with me somehow.
Life is not so simple.
I can't just change according to your mood.
And somehow I'm always apologising.
I felt so insecure.
And you never ever made the first move.
ever.
to make me feel better.
ever.
I don't know.
It's been really crazy here on my side.
In my mind.
In my heart.
I really have no idea how best to handle the situation.
I don't want to apologise anymore.
Not unless I really mean it and feel it.
It doesn't really mean anything to you anymore,
does it?
Empty words from an empty heart.
I feel like I don't know myself
what I want anymore.
I thought I did.
But I realise that was just an illusion too.
Something I did to make me feel better.
More in control of myself.
But I'm not.
Honestly.
All the hurt pent up inside
that I thought was all gone
is suddenly back again.
It really hurt.
You know?
And then I thought I was crazy.
But every time I start feeling depressed.
You'd keep your distance.
That is not how friends behave.
I know perhaps you'll never really understand me.
And maybe I'll never understand you.
But maybe it's our fate to compensate
for the friendship.
I know we had good times together.
But hardly any bad times TOGETHER.
You know?
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything.
But the best friends weather everything out.
And at the least sign of crankiness you retreat.
Fine then.
Go hang out with your bosom buddies.
Those who don't turn on you.
Just let me be here in this little corner.
Don't hang out with me anymore.
You'll be in danger.
I might just hurt you again.
Any way I can.
Please.
I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I don't want to hurt anybody anymore.
Maybe I should just leave this world.
It'd be so much easier on everybody.

Ahh fuck what the hell am I saying?
I am such a schizo.
A mental case.
I know.
I hate myself so much.
What are you thinking, Nicole?
What?
I don't know either.
I know, I just KNOW I'm going to regret all this.
But I'm saying it anyway.

DISCLAIMER:
The author wishes to inform you that all these rants
posted here today on this blog
are a result of sleep deprivation and just plain
pissiness, and are thus the author is not responsible
for any complaints that have been uttered on this post,
and would like to thank you if you would just ignore this post.
Thank you.