I can't help feeling like I missed out
something.
Like something's incomplete.
I'm afraid.
Of so many things.
Of getting off that plane tomorrow
with all our instruments destroyed
because we couldn't persuade
Miss Low to invest in bubble packing.
Or maybe, not even getting off that
plane at all.
Of waking up tomorrow
and realising that my life is in an
even bigger mess.
Of finding out suddenly that everything
and everyoneI've ever held dear was all
just a dream.
Of discovering that I'm different from who
I thought I was.
Of becoming a hypocrite.
Or maybe becoming a bigger one.
Of saying things I never meant to say and
hurting someone badly.
Of maybe one day discovering that
all the people I loved and trusted were the ones
backstabbing me all along.
Of finding out that maybe all the people
I hated and distrusted were the ones who cared
all along.
Because I'd feel that my life is out of order.
There is a place, a purpose for everything.
And if anything up there ever happened,
I wouldn't know what to do.
All my life I thought I was the daredevil.
Always doing things others wouldn't do.
Taking that rollercoaster everyone avoided.
Taking the scary rides twice.
Dreaming of bungee-jumping, sky-diving.
Trying something challenging until I succeed.
Piercing my ears.
I realize now that I still crave order, stability.
And all those things I kept on re-doing,
was just to ensure that I wasn't the loser.
I know that I need to win.
I hate losing. Terribly.
And I am quite the sore loser.
But I try not to show it, and I try to be happy
for the other person.
Maybe I just need to become someone else.

I'm normal, I'm happy, I lead a perfectly normal life.
I don't go into depression, think of death, or wonder
if God is pulling a fast one on me.
Who am I kidding?
Okay, God, I know you wouldn't do that.
I'm sorry.

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Replies to tags.

Rach - Yeah, I think I'll be alright. Thanks for being there.
Tell ah ma and deb and anna that too. I promise
I'll try to be more normal. : haha.whatever that entails.

Cheong - I promise I'll make it up to you.

Jan - Haha, I will, thanks!